John Kass is my favorite city beat columnist, even though the city he covers is 400 miles from where I live. He's a modern-day Mike Royko, except he's a bit more conservative and he's a White Sox fan. One of his ongoing bits is the word chumbolone, which means fool, kind of. I'll let him explain.
The other night, my young assistant Wings and I were standing on the loading dock, panicking on deadline without a thought in our big fat heads as usual, when a strange woman walked up with a question.
"How do you pronounce that word you use, 'chumbolone?' " said the woman, who was from New York.
Ah, chumbolone. It's one of the finest, most expressive words in the language, and every child should be skilled in its usage.
Readers have been asking me about it for years. I began using chumbolone after one of the Chicago mob's favorite cops, Anthony "Twan" (Passiafume) Doyle, the convicted messenger boy for the Chinatown crew, testified in the Family Secrets trial.
Doyle explained that during all those prison visits with the bosses, he never really heard a thing they said. All he did was nod in agreement to placate his superiors, nodding foolishly, just like us taxpayers, nodding as President Obama tells us that from now on the federal government won't waste our money.
Yes, Doyle testified, he did nod and nod, but "I didn't know what [the boss] was talking about. I don't wanna look like a chumbolone, an idiot, stupid."
So with legions of readers begging for the pronunciation key, it's time to settle this issue once and for all:
Chumbolone is pronounced "chum-buh-LOAN."
I think that it can be said that I am one of the biggest chumbolones in the nation. While everyone else was living it up, taking out two, three, four mortgages or more, buying all kinds of things they didn't need and couldn't afford and putting it all on their credit cards, I foolishly lived within my means.
I figured, since I cannot afford a house, I'd continue to rent. Not only do I not have a credit card, I am completely debt-free! If I couldn't pay cash for it, I wouldn't buy it. I live within walking distance to work, so I don't need a car. No car means no insurance payments, and, yes, no car payments.
I realize that my zeal for thrift makes me rather odd in American life, but my lifestyle suits me. Free and clear, no strings attached and not a thing can be taken away. Everything I possess I own as well.
Apparently, that selfsame zeal for paying my own way makes me a chumbolone.
I wasn't out creating financial instruments that are impossible to understand and regulate and making scads of money while pushing the entire world's economy into a tailspin. I wasn't straight stealing from people and philanthropic organizations while living high and mighty on my yacht in the Mediterranean. I wasn't creating fake banks on tiny Caribbean islands while robbing other people blind and helping launder cash for international criminal cartels.
I wasn't even buying a far bigger house than I could afford, then refinancing so I could take the vacation of my dreams, then refinancing again so I could build a pool, then refinancing again so I could buy a cabin and a boat.
Nope, I rented and paid cash.
Between the Fed and TARP, the Federal Government has spent over $1,000,000,000,000 (a trillion dollars) bailing out various financial institutions. The auto companies are receiving billions of dollars, and the mortgage bailout is going to cost about $75 billion.
As someone who lived within his means, I'm eligible for none of that. That makes me a big, fat chumbolone.
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